10 things that can irritate an Englishman.

Your average Englishman may appear to have a high tolerance for irritation, but under that calm exterior and stiff upper-lip, rages an anger at the simplest of details. You are trained from a young age to not let anything get in the way of politeness, even in the face of extreme rudeness, despite how great it would make you feel. Read on for 10 things which have the capacity to ruin the day of an Englishman. You have been warned.

1. When someone presses the button at the traffic lights, after you already have.

Do you think that I am mentally incapable of pressing a button? The word “wait” glows so that you can tell it has already been pressed.

2. When you can hear someone’s music in the quiet carriage, but you are too polite to say.

I am sure we would all agree that hearing the music of an idiot in a public place is already infuriating. This is only compounded when you are in an area specifically designated for silence. Of course, you would never be able to tell the perpetrator for fear of coming across rude, so suffer in silence imagining the applause you would get if you had the courage to shout at them.

3. When you have just about finished making your tea, and realise you are out of milk.

The calmness you feel when brewing a cup of tea is second-to-none. You know you are about to experience the height of joy in that delicious cup of tea. Until you open the fridge and danger strikes – the milk has run out. You drink your milk-less tea, which basically tastes the same, but deep down you know something is just not right.

4. Your computer tells you that you are not writing in English, when using English spelling.

This is the moment when you realise that the sun really has set on the British Empire. The fact you have to change your default language from United States English to United Kingdom English only serves to detriment the “special bond” our nations share.

5. Your local chip shop only does thin chips.

Do you not understand? The Chip Shop chip (say that three times fast) is a tried and tested part of English tradition. You want a big fluffy piece of potato, not some tiny strip of wannabe-chip. God save us all.

6. When the ticket inspector doesn’t check your train ticket and you realise you could have travelled for free.

We all love a bargain – and how much cheaper can you get than free? Every time you travel you consider the fact that this may be the time the ticket inspector doesn’t come to check your ticket. Despite this, you are an honest traveller and spent 15 minutes trying to figure out the self-serve ticket machine. After all of that effort, the inspector doesn’t even take the time to check it and all the barriers are open – what a wate!

7. Your umbrella keeps turning inside out.

This one might be specific to me. Perhaps I just haven’t mastered the umbrella? Having grown up in such a rainy land, I choose not to resort to an umbrella until I really need it. However, this is just about the point in which an umbrella becomes utterly useless, as it just blows inside out at the first hint of wind and rain. There must be a better way!

8. When someone steals the water from your kettle.

It is a brave soul who comes between an Englishman and his tea. You fill up the kettle and pop it on. You are in the next room for just 5 seconds and come back to find the water has been used by somebody else. They must have noticed it was still boiling! For shame.

9. When you have a plate of biscuits but everyone is too scared to take the last one.

The weakest flaw of an Englishman is their incorruptible politeness. One bourbon biscuit does not split multiple ways, no matter how hard you try. So it just sits there alone and uneaten. Unless it is a custard cream, in which case it is every man for himself.

10. When people judge you by the way you eat a Cadbury’s Creme Egg

Some people gobble the whole thing, some people let it melt in their mouth. If you are anything like me, you bite the top off and lick out the insides. Either way, watching someone eat a Creme Egg is not pretty. Let’s all agree to just eat them in private, I suppose.

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