I sent a complaint to Walker’s Crisps today.

I moved desks at work recently. No big deal. Until I opened my new chest of drawers! It was a cornucopia of delights, including (but not limited to):

  • A bright blue feather duster.
  • A used Subway card.
  • A stapler AND staple remover (jackpot).
  • A man’s jacket.

My day could not get any better. Except it did! I rooted around some more and came across some Sun Ripened Sweet Chilli flavour Walker’s Sun Bites crisps. I don’t think I am exaggerating when I say this was the best day of my life. I proceeded to show every single person in the office the contents of my newly found chest of drawers, and it became quite the attraction.

Sadly, the celebrations were soon to muted as I discovered the following:

The crisps were out of date! In the only way I know how, I felt I had to share the news with Walkers, from the point of view of an idiot.

“Dear Sir/Madam

I would like to begin by thanking you for the service you provide to the UK snack industry; it is truly exceptional work that has set the standard for crisps and light snacks over the years, and long may it continue.

With regret, however, I must write to you today in order to make a complaint, and seek your assistance in resolving a potentially disastrous matter. On 13 January 2014 I moved to a new desk in my office – I might clarify that this was not by way of a promotion, but purely for logistical reasons – whereupon I found two unopened packets of Sun Ripened Sweet Chilli Flavour Wholegrain Snacks in my new desk drawer.

I’m sure you will agree that this was a wonderful discovery, and one which filled my day with joy beyond all other things that had happened earlier that morning and later in the day. Indeed, I text a picture of these to my wife with the caption, ‘Bingo’ in order to share my delight.

Now, if I was pushed to describe my build, I would say ‘Sporty’ (more Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor ‘Sporty’ than The Rock ‘Sporty’, but ‘Sporty’ none the less), however my wife does not agree with me, and has recently asked that I go on a ‘diet’.

A direct stipulation of her ‘diet’ is that I am no longer allowed to eat 2 packets of your delightful snacks at a time, and must limit myself to 1. With this in mind, I was encouraged by my wife to share my bounty with a co-worker and selected Bruno, a clerk from the office across the hall. I don’t really know him that well, but he supports Manchester United, so we have some points of reference to discuss when we happen upon each other at the water machine.

Bruno and I consumed the Sun Ripened Sweet Chilli Flavour Wholegrain Snacks (one pack each, as per my ‘diet’) and I agreed that I would dispose of the packaging. When approaching the recycling point, however, I noted that these packets of crisps were ‘out of date’ as of 17 September 2011 (Picture attached for confirmation).

You appreciate how distressing this discovery was; however after Googling what the life expectancy is for a grown man that has eaten out of date Sun Ripened Sweet Chilli Flavour Wholegrain Snacks, my fears were allayed as there appears to be very little chance of death. I felt that my duty as a decent human being was to inform Bruno, however, so as to make him fully aware of the situation.

Bruno took the news in good spirits, initially. After a time though, he has asked that I purchase an ‘in date’ packet of Sun Ripened Sweet Chilli Flavour Wholegrain Snacks for him to enjoy, and is outright refusing to return my stapler until such time as I produce the wholegrain treats. I feel that this is unfair on me, as I had no hand on setting the expiry date of this product, and so defer to you to purchase Bruno a packet of Sun Ripened Sweet Chilli Flavour Wholegrain Snacks.

May I also ask, do all packets of crisps go off? Have you ever eaten a packet of ‘gone off’ snacks? If so, are you still alive?

I eagerly await your response on this matter,

Daniel Goldswain”

Hopefully I will get a response, and look forward to letting you know the outcome!

I would also like to thank my partner in crime Bruno Pileggi for taking some of the words that he knows and putting them together in an order which makes me (and hopefully you) laugh, as he put together this letter.

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