The makers of Space Raiders are not new to controversy. According to the most accurate source in the world, Wikipedia, directors at United Biscuits received death threats when they increased the price by 5p in 2007. Well I have written to them with something much more important.
I think you will remember our recent letter to the UK Space Agency. If not, give it a read. Well I feel it is my duty to tell you we received information from them that aliens are definitely real. I may have just made that up, but it hasn’t stopped me from writing to Space Raiders to let them know.
Here is the letter (click to enlarge):
Dear Space Raiders,
I am writing to you with a matter of national, no, GALACTIC, importance. I hope you heed the warnings this letter contains, else I fear the end of the world may be near.
You are almost certainly aware of the newspaper I run, the Goldswain Weekly, as it currently has a circulation of roughly 18 readers. In our most recently issue we ran a scoop that my friend and colleague, Bruno, had spotted a creature of unknown origin in his back garden. He described it as follows:
- Small in size.
- Covered in hair.
- Sharp claws.
- Walks on four legs.
I think it is to clear to anyone with a logical mind – the aliens have arrived.
Now that aliens are almost certainly among us, I feel it is time to change the marketing of your product, ‘Space Raiders’, as I fear it may propagate negative stereotypes towards aliens, which may lead to an intergalactic conflict.
Let me put it to you like this: you have just arrived on an alien planet, and walk into the local nutrition quadrant (alien name for corner shop). On the shelf you see a packet of ‘Human Pirates’, showing a picture of a human dressed as a pirate. The first alien you encounter on their planet sees you, and immediately assumes you share these pirate-like tendencies, as they have been eating packets of ‘Human Pirates’ since they were in their birthing pods. You would feel offended, I am sure, and I do not want the aliens to experience the same situation.
Therefore, I submit to you the following questions:
- Is it possible to change the name of your products to something more suitable, perhaps “Aliens Are Awesome Crisps” or “Welcome to our Planet, Don’t Zap Us Crisps”.
- What is your favourite flavour of “Aliens Are Awesome Crisps” (currently Space Raiders).
- If you feel eating some of your product will change my opinion on this matter, would you be willing to send me some samples so I can reconsider my position?
- Would you like to sign up for a subscription to the Goldswain Weekly?
If you need any further advice or information, please get back in touch, as I have contacts in the UK Space Agency (they sent me a tweet once).
Do us proud, Space Raiders!