We are trying to sell Snack a Jacks a revolutionary marketing idea.

You know when you open a seemingly packed-to-the-brim snack and find you have actually paid for a bag full of air with a tiny smattering of food? I think we’ve all been there. Well we here at Stupid Stuff Towers think companies like Snack a Jacks should be utilising this to sell their product to the masses.

Kelloggs managed to turn the fact the brown dye on Coco Pops ran into the milk into a great marketing strategy by claiming it was turning the milk chocolatey. We have written to Lindsey Desiree, CEO of Snack a Jacks, as we think we can turn the fact their bags are mostly air into a major selling point. But our ideas don’t come cheap.

Click here to read out letter:

Dear Ms Lindsey Desiree

I write to you today on the back of comments made by a colleague of mine, Roslyn, about a product of yours, Snack-a-Jacks. Roslyn is a traditional lady who didn’t want to write to you herself as she didn’t want to cause a fuss, but I feel this may be an opportunity for your company to get ahead of the market and also to build a stronger relationship with Roslyn (who I have to say, is starting to turn away from your product).

Roslyn is a reserved character, who enjoys the satisfaction of knowing she is doing a good job in the office. She has only simple needs and doesn’t want for much except to enjoy a packet of your Snack-a-Jacks on her break each day. Recently, however, she has begun to voice her concerns about the ‘air-to-snack’ ratio of your packets.

To begin with it was more of a muted muttering of discontent, recently however it has become a much more open discussion of your packaging operations – at one point my friend Daniel took a very funny photograph of himself using an unopened packet as a pillow whilst he ‘slept’ on it! I can refer you to his Facebook page if you would like to see it, it’s very creative as I’m sure you can imagine.

Now look, I don’t want to be misinterpreted, but Roslyn is perhaps of an older generation that isn’t used to such business practices. I know full well filling the packets with air saves you money as people can’t tell how little “rice snack” they are actually getting for their money – to be honest it makes perfect business sense to me, but try explaining it to Roslyn and she has none of it! She’s been talking all sorts of nonsense about how companies used to be “honest” and “fair” in their dealings in the past – can you imagine?! I think I’d have a heart attack if that day ever came, I mean could you imagine Nike, for example, NOT charging £90 for an England shirt the team only wore 3 times?! Unbelievable that people really believe in this “value for money” nonsense. I find the whole thing laughable.

Anyway, on to my suggestion. As you seem quite keen to keep on filling your packets with air and not with delicious rice snacks, I think I know a way you can market it so people like Roslyn remain duped into spending too much for your snacks; fill the bags with “Premium” air! Not that I am saying there is anything wrong with the air in Leicester or wherever your plant may be, but imagine if you told people, “Our snacks are (arguably) healthy, AND we fill the bags with air from the top of the Alps, so they are good for your lungs as well”. Imagine the sales – you could even do an anti-lung-cancer campaign!

Finally, negotiations. I am a modest man of modest means. I do not want to be a millionaire* and therefore have no intention of extorting you for my idea. I therefore request payment of £15,000 for the intellectual property I have noted above pertaining to “premium air”. In return for this payment, you can sell as much air as you like and I will claim no additional monies from my idea.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my offer. If you require any more information then I will be happy to discuss with you, but I request our correspondence formal and therefore in writing. The fee I have mentioned above is non-negotiable.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Bruno

*I do really. If you can make me a millionaire, please do. Thanks.

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