We have just given Nike some business advice.

nikeYou may have heard that the new England shirt for the world cup is going to be £90. Even famous-for-being-posh-and-rich David Cameron thinks it’s expensive.

All is not lost, the geniuses at Nike have said you can buy a “stadium shirt” for just £60. I don’t know what a stadium shirt is, but apparently it is not the same one as the players will be losing the World Cup in.

You can't afford this shirt, because you are poor.

You can’t afford this shirt, because you are poor.

Here at Stupid Stuff I Do, we feel a duty to improve business practices where we see flaws, so we have taken the time to craft a lovingly written letter of complaint to Nike. Unfortunately, Nike have gone out of their way to hide their address, so we have had to write by email. This annoys us so much, I think you guys should e-mail them to complain as well, on their website. About anything. Tell them you are upset your shoes get wet when you run in the rain. Or that you get tired when you exercise and what the hell is that all about.

Here is what we have written to Mark Parker, CEO of Nike (no pretty photo of a letter this time I am afraid):

Dear Mr Parker

Recent news coverage in the UK has shown that you have a problem. Well, I’m a problem solver, Mark, it’s what I do. So help me to help you, Mark, and consider the solution I am presenting below.

The way the new England football jerseys are priced tells me that you had business people make these decisions, and not football fans. Not even the marketing guys who would have probably told you (incorrectly) that the price was too high. But you’ve had your best men take a look and they’ve decided that £60 for a cheap (“stadium”) version was a great idea, with the standard version (which you then rebrand as “premium”) being £90. This is truly fantastic business savvy and I commend you and your team – the sheer bravado in trying to sell a plain white t-shirt with your logo and one that doesn’t belong to you for £90 is literally the definition of “money for old rope”. Business 101 – buy cheap materials, sell high on the final product. I get it. Good work, sir.

The problem is that the stupid public, that idiot Prime Minister, and all those dumb football fans just don’t understand business. How are Nike supposed to make money if they don’t charge ludicrous amounts for their “technology”? Don’t these England fans realise that Portugal’s best player gets a new pair of £140 boots for free every single game? Who is going to pay for that if not us, Mark? Who?

As I said, I am problem solver, Mark, and I have THE solution for you.

I propose that Nike accept what I call “stadium” money for the cheaper shirt, and “real” money for the real shirt. My proposed “stadium” money LOOKS exactly like real money, Mark, but will be worth a lot less – a penny for every pound. This way people will be paying £3 for your white Nike t-shirt and England logo combination, and £90 for a “more expensive” white Nike t-shirt with loads of “technology” and an England logo.

My solution solves two problems really – England fans can support their team with great value for money, and you can still charge a massively inflated price for a t-shirt. It’s win-win, Mark. Win. Win.

Let me know if you accept my suggestion or not. I charge £90 if you choose to use my idea, and £60 if you consider it but just use something similar.

I look forward to your response, Mark.

Sincerely

Bruno

I hope they get back to us, or not so I can earn £60.