It’s not often we receive post about the website that isn’t from someone I’ve complained to myself. So imagine my surprise when I checked what it was about and discovered we had received a complaint…ABOUT US.
Check out the letter we have received:
As you may know, we take your complaints very seriously, and perhaps stupidly said we would reply to each one. So please find below our formal response:
Thanks for taking the time to write to us today regarding our website. I am quite impressed because I personally know someone called Bruno and he finds it difficult to write, so it turns out it isn’t related to the name. Also let me make it clear right at the start I find it offensive you chose to say Bruno was your favourite. I find it particularly annoying as that is such a Bruno thing to do.
Sadly, you have it wrong. Our absence from updating the website isn’t related to the illuminati, and we are not on strike.
I will start with myself, as it is the easiest to explain. I was recently playing a football match in which I fell into an opposing player teeth-first. It was completely an accident and my history of biting should not be considered relevant. Regrettably, the powers that be disagreed and banned me from all football related activity for 9 games, and from all website related activity up until today. It has been difficult, especially when I returned to Facebook after a significant period to find that Hugh Morris had more notifications on Facebook than I did.
Bruno on the other hand has had it much more difficult. He attempted to visit Brazil for the World Cup, but realised he would never be able to afford the trip on his salary from Stupid Stuff I Do (we are paid in vouchers for Walkers Crisps), so he attempted to hitch-hike the entire journey. He made it as far as Land’s End in Cornwall and realised he had run out of land (it had ended) and couldn’t walk underwater without drowning. Not to be deterred, he commandeered a fishing vessel and attempted to sail the rest of the way. At last! After weeks in the endless stretch of the ocean, he could see land! He could see Brazil! He made it onto the beach and asked the nearest sunbather…”Did I make it? Is the World Cup still going?” “Yes”, the strange man in speedos replied. “Italy just went out in the Group Stages”. And with this, Bruno collapsed in tears on the beach, remembering the iron clad deal he had made with me.
The good news is, we are back, and ready to work on the site. Expect us to update weekly from now on, with all the classic sarcastically written backhanded-compliments to major companies as you have grown to love.
PS: I know this is you Bruno, I am onto you.