One thing we have learned in our time as super-professional and amazing complaint writers, is that there are pretty much only a handful of companies in the world that control all of the brands we know and love. And all of those companies are controlled by the illuminati. I definitely did not make that last bit up, but I have misplaced the source I had to support my comments.
So as always, in protection on our readers rights, we have taken the fight to the super-corporations, who we believe are creating fake wars with other brands (which they also own!) in order to control consumers minds. Or at least get us to be more chocolate bars. I haven’t really thought this through but I know I am angry about something. Our target this time is Snickers, which is certainty not because I love Snickers and want free stuff, but to protect the public!
Writing this is actually making me really hungry.
Here is our letter to Snickers (click to enlarge):
Where do I even begin? Such is my discontent with your Snickers product that I have needed to write and complain about a number of points – note that I have never needed to write a complaint in my life!
Firstly, I purchased one of your 48g Snickers bars at the local Sainsbury’s during my lunch hour at work on 14 April 2014 – I wouldn’t regularly be so frivolous with my spending, but I had forgotten my packed lunch on this particular day and needed to buy a sweet treat. The choice came down to the age old conflict between a Snickers and a Mars bar (more on that later), and ultimately the Snickers bar won out.
My first issue is that no where on the packaging of this treat does it state that the product contains nuts. Sure, there are pictures of nuts on the packaging, but there are pictures of egg yolks on Creme Eggs, and pictures of cherries on Cherry Coca-Cola bottles – THIS DOES NOT IMPLY THE PRODUCT CONTAINS WHAT IS IN THE IMAGE. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not allergic to nuts or anything like that, for my body is in fact a marvel of human health, but my friend Dan is allergic and he’s a few French Fries short of a Happy Meal if you catch my drift. What if he picked up your Snickers bar and had a bite? Boom. Dead. That’s what – dead. (I don’t really know what happens when people like him eat a peanut, so I’ve made an assumption there – they probably do explode or something). And don’t give me that “nuts are listed in the ingredients” baloney – no-one reads the ingredients of a chocolate bar, do they? Least of all people with allergies!
Please tell me why you have omitted this detail from your packaging. I’ve been keeping an eye on Dan to make sure he’s not about to bite into one, but I can’t keep following him around like this.
Let me move on to my next point as well – this whole “Snickers vs Mars” war that you’ve been subtly waging over time. For years it’s been the question on everyone’s lips – “Which one do you prefer?” – Well, I’m on to your game. You own both bars, don’t you? Don’t deny it. You might call it good marketing to puit them against each other, but I call it war profiteering. I expect a full and frank response to this allegation before I contact Watchdog and make a YouTube video about you.
I’ve just taken a break from writing this letter to regroup. During the break I asked my friend Charlie which one she prefers. She chose “Snickers” and proceeded to produce one she bought today from her bag. It wouldn’t have been humane for me to let her take a bite of that bar knowing what I do about its ingredients, so I snatched it from her and threw it out of harms way through the window of our third floor office. It’s hit someone’s car and from here it looks like some damage has been caused. I expect you to pay for that damage due to your products lack of information forcing me to throw it out of harms way, and the fact that quite frankly your chocolate bar is too hard. Charlie asked me to replace the bar, but I think that is a hazard to health so won’t be doing so. Please advise that you agree.
Note to the person reading this letter and responding: I know that you have to toe the Corporate line (and will have to deny my allegation of war profiteering because of the Illuminati’s involvement) so I propose a code. Deny the allegations if they are really true, and confirm them if they are really false. Blackout this portion of the letter once you have read it, and I will deny that this paragraph exists. They will never know of our code.
I await your response,
Come back to us Snickers!