We love our readers here at Stupid Stuff I Do, so when someone comes to us with a complaint, we will do all we can to pick up the gauntlet for them and sort out their problem. You know, if you think two idiots writing a letter for you will sort out your problem. When I got to work a few days ago, my mate Dave rushed over with a tale so sad, I just had to get my fingers typing to Tesco.
Dave showed me this picture:
Now, the more eagle-eyed readers amongst you may have noticed a large red circle highlighting an empty space. Good eye! This is where Dave should have been able to find a sachet of Parmesan cheese which was promised to him on the packaging of his Creamy Caesar Salad Kit. I cannot even begin to fathom how momentarily annoyed I would be for literally no more than a few seconds if this happened to me. Don’t worry Dave, we are on the case. A letter was written with the utmost urgency.
Here is what we have sent to Tesco (click to enlarge):
I am writing to you today with a story of woe, sadness and parmesan cheese. It all started when I was just 3 years old…actually, in the interest of brevity I will jump ahead to the more pertinent points I would like addressed, which actually start only a few days ago.
In my office I work with a young man named Dave. Dave is a happy-go-lucky sort who always has a spring in his step and a smile on his face. However, Dave texted me the enclosed picture last night. I know what he experienced must have upset him, because he followed it up with no less than three sad faces in text. As you will see, the circumstances which have befallen Dave are extreme by anyone’s definition: you failed to include a sachet of Parmesan cheese in his Creamy Caesar Salad Kit.
This may seem like a simple mistake to yourselves, but to Dave this has been a matter which has caused much distress. At this point I must mention that Dave suffers from a minor Calcium deficiency. He finds it debilitating to the point that he cannot bring himself to write to you of his own accord. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, it’s not because he is in a sick bed somewhere, but because he is too busy eating various dairy products to put his complaint in writing. Also he cannot write, which does not help.
You may actually recognise Dave, as he is somewhat of a minor celebrity. Prepare to have you mind blown: he was the Milky Bar Kid. As with all celebrities, fame took its toll on David, and he found himself living the high life at a very young age. Can you imagine having all the Milky Bars you want at the click of your tiny cowboy-boot spurs? Addiction quickly took hold and he was unable to go even a few hours without topping up his dairy intake. As he has got older and wiser, Dave has realised Milky Bars contain far too much sugar to be a staple of his diet, and has moved largely onto cheese products to satisfy his constant need for calcium. I feel we should all commend his commitment to improving his health by trying to include a little salad alongside this.
Personally, I don’t see what he is worrying about as I don’t really like Parmesan cheese. When I was little my sister told me it was dandruff that the chef had put onto my spaghetti. It’s worth mentioning that she also made me eat a spoonful of “icing”, which turned out to be old fat from a dirty frying pan. But this letter is about Dave, not me.
A quick search on your website has shown me that a small pack of Parmesan cheese is roughly £1.30, which is not cheap in today’s economy. I imagine the city bankers are rolling around in piles of grated Parmesan snorting it for fun, but not our Dave. He chooses to have it as part of a sensible meal on a Tuesday evening whilst watching re-runs of TopGear on DAVE, the TV channel he once revealed to me he mistakenly thought only his television received. Indeed, such is the value of Parmesan cheese, in 1666 during the Great Fire of London, diarist and presumed cheese enthusiast Samuel Pepys buried a lump of the stinky stuff in his back garden as to protect it from fire.
I suppose this leads me to my questions: What would you bury in your back garden if there was a fire? Did you leave Dave’s Parmesan out of his Caesar Salad Kit because you buried it in the Tesco back garden for safe keeping? Does Tesco have a back garden? What did you spend the £1.30 you saved by not including Parmesan in Dave’s salad pack? I thank you for your time and look forward to your answers.
PS: My local Tesco in Swindon town centre does not have a pick and mix selection, please rectify if you have time after sorting out this Parmesan situation, please.