I like to think we do a great service when we write our letters, as we make sure we always provide constructive criticism. For this reason, when I was offered the job of manager of the Wales National Football Team on Football Manager, I felt it would be best to let the head of the Welsh FA, Trefor Lloyd-Hughes, know why I had to turn them down.
With the hangover from the World Cup still in our minds, I think it is time to look to the future. Why can’t Wales get into World Cup 2018? Well, we thought we should tell them exactly why they can’t. The good news is, we love Wales (as much as a non-Welsh person can), so we wanted to tell them how to improve. Maybe I can reconsider their offer if I see some changes?
Dear Mr Trefor Lloyd-Hughes
Just like the 32 countries taking part in the World Cup in Brazil this year, Wales also have a national football team. I’ve done some research however, and I believe I have identified where you are going wrong.
I’ll start at the beginning and state for the record that I believe Wales are better than six of the teams taking part in the World Cup this year (Iran, Honduras, Algeria, Greece…and, at a push, Japan and Ghana), and you even have 2 good players! I think the problem is that you just aren’t trying hard enough.
My letter has been prompted by the offer you have made me on Football Manager to manage the Welsh national side. I always have to think long and hard about this decision – not because I don’t like Wales or don’t think I will get on with your players, quite the contrary, I think it would be a match made in heaven with morale being held at a record high. I’m grateful you have offered me this role, but truth be told I just don’t think the team try hard enough.
I propose the following changes which I believe will not only improve your results, but will see your great nation at the 2018 World Cup. Please don’t ignore me and miss out, I’d be so sad.
1) Try harder to score goals. Goals count as a point in favour of your team. I know you try at the moment but try more!
2) Don’t give the opponents the ball. This is applicable to all opponents, not just the good ones.
3) Give the ball to Gareth Bale. He seems to be quite good at football.
4) Try harder to not let the ball go into your goal. This will count as a point against your team. When you are defending one of the priorities should be to defend. Please see point 2 on how to avoid needing to defend.
5) Have Ryan Giggs come and play for you again. Sometimes I think he would be better than Aaron Ramsey if he only had one leg. And one eye. And was unconscious. Tied up. In a box. On a boat. That had sunk.
Now my changes seem a little drastic, but please take the time to consider them. I’m not Welsh but I have had the good fortune to see my country win the World Cup in my lifetime, and therefore feel that I know a little about what it takes.
For the time being I will have to decline your offer to take on the Wales managerial position on Football Manager, but thank you for the opportunity. I have to say I was tempted when you said I could remain in charge of the Champions League winners Swindon Town, but until the above changes are made I just can’t see it as a wise career move. I hope we can maintain a professional relationship and that our discussion won’t be leaked to the media.
Consider our suggestions, Wales!